Spooky movies and pet birds just don’t mix, as I keep telling people. Expose them to an old Sci-Fi and they’ll do nothing but creep you out with the same four notes, repeated with a vibrato that suggests that someone is trying to kill you. The wisest course of action: Watch a Western. Birds love Westerns.
When cult classic Mystery Science Theater 3000 left the air in 1999, it had won a Peabody and an army of fans. Since then, host and head writer Mike Nelson has forged a successful career writing several hilarious books, and has worked in many other media.
Today he talks to us about stand up comedy, writing, and especially Rifftrax, downloadable commentaries made by him and fellow riffers that can be shown simultaneously with a DVD of the film being razzed.
The commentaries are easy to use and may be purchased from Rifftrax.com for a few bucks apiece.
JD: Hi Mike, I’d like to start with a little about your background. Did you always want to make fun of bad movies?
MN: No, I kind of fell into that with being in stand up. I always thought I’d be in music or be a writer of some sort. I was in a band when I was a kid but I wasn’t that into it.
JD: So you studied music pretty seriously. I’ve read a couple of your books and you mention wanting to be a music teacher at one point.
MN: Yeah, I went to school for music and quickly realized I just wasn’t going to be good enough to make it. So I had to look around for something else. I got into theater and ended up doing stand up comedy.
JD: So stand up was easier to get into than music or acting?
MN: Well, it was easier to get stage time. [At that time.] Stand up was really booming. Clubs and bars were hiring so there were a lot of places to do it. You could actually get paid much earlier being a comedian than a musician or actor.
JD: Oh, that makes a big difference.
MN: Yes, pay is very motivating.
Many people know that Mystery Science Theater 3000 alum Mike Nelson in a funny guy. Some might be surprised to learn that he has written several hilarious books. His two books of essays would make perfect beach reading - unless, of course, you are Mike Nelson and really hate the beach.
Mike Nelson’s Movie Megacheese takes on awful movies and the people who star in them in a style reminiscent of Robert Benchley, if Benchley had been sober, and S. J. Perelman, if Perelman had been less surreal. His targets, be they Jon Voight in Anaconda, or Keanu Reeves as himself, are richly deserving of his mild mannered wrath.
Mind Over Matters features laugh out loud essays about his life, with chapters on an ill-fated attempt to conquer musical theater and a traumatic night spent putting his children to bed. Tuck either one in your beach bag. Or better yet, take them both.
Some birds like to perch on branches. Others dot high wires, spilling forth beautiful songs. Still others, like this species, prefer the company of humans. To the chagrin of many, this bird is both affectionate and loyal. Ornithologists have not yet found a solution. Most “chosen” humans learn to grin and bear it.
Joshua and Vicky hit it off, but she is put off by his resemblance to her dead fiancee Burke.
Angelique gets her mitts on an old toy soldier and a handkerchief belonging to Barnabas. Bent on revenge, she commences to kit out the soldier as a voo doo doll. Barnabas interrupts her witchery, proclaiming that he wants her as a friend, not a lover.
The tender reunion of Josette and Barnabas inflames Angelique’s anger. She strangles the toy soldier with Barnabas’ handkerchief making Barnabas clasp his throat and gasp for breath. Josette is not much of a help, but she gets plenty distraught.
Rivaling the raven in bleak world views, this bird ain’t happy unless everyone else is unhappy. He’ll peck on your window pane, then turn away. It’s not attention it wants from you, it’s annoyance.
Repelling this bird:
When you get a phone call saying “Death and me are just around the corner, waiting for you,” you naturally run into a dark alley. Or you do, if you are about to be murdered in the whodunit Grand Central Murder from 1942.
The victim makes it to a train car, where she is killed. Enter guys in hats talking tough. Private Eye Rocky Custer, played by Van Heflin, is keen to solve the case. Soon the car is stocked with suspects, each with an ironclad alibi.
The men go about poking each other in the chest saying “Get it? Get it?” The women file their nails and do other girly things. All of the characters are oddly chatty, considering that this is a murder investigation.
The deceased’s maid brings some context into the din with her sassy narrative. The flashbacks follow her story of a conniving woman who took advantage of rich men and went running into alleys.
When suspicions are cast on one of the men, the presiding cop asks Van Helflin, “You don’t really think he done it, do you? At this point, I raided the cupboards.
Back on the job with a box of Triscuits, I watched them interrogate suspect after suspect. As one thug drew a gun, I began to think about mild cheese.
In the end, the mystery was solved and, sadly, the sluggishly executed noir conventions were upstaged by a wheel of gouda.
Evil witch Angelique makes her first appearance, arriving with Josette and Josette’s aunt- a French Countess with a dodgy accent. The Madame Dupree looks like Julia, but isn’t. They’re all amazingly alert for people who have journeyed from faraway Martinique.
Barnabas is fascinated by the Countess’ tarot cards and holds the dangerous idea that Vicky can see the future. The cards seem to implicate Vicky as an evil woman.
Barnabas gives Martinique fling Angelique the brush off. Boy, is she pissed.
Unhappily married Joshua and Naomi bicker throughout.
This tasty bird is known for wariness bordering on paranoia. It seems convinced that there is a frying pan around every hedge. Sometimes there is. Keeping to itself, it sings a mournful song — but only well after the dinner hour. It would be easy to feel moved by this bird’s plight. If only it weren’t so delicious.
Vicky is missed in the present but is busy coping with the past. Abagail Collins, a witch burning enthusiast, is convinced that Vicky is a witch.
Vicky escapes through a convenient window and goes to Collinwood, which, unfortunately, is still under construction. She is met by Jeremiah Collins who looks like her dead fiancee but isn’t. Like Nathan Forbes, he is not repelled by her welcoming embrace. He convinces her to go back to the old house, assuring her he’d think of a story that would put Abagail’s suspicions to rest.
He tells them that Vicky is actually Phyllis Wick. He claims that the shock of the accident made her temporarily lose her memory. The episode concludes with Vicky getting a job as governess and Naomi being berated by her husband and sister-in-law for drawing air.
