Bad Ass Birds

After watching her younger sister readying for her wedding, spinster Joan (Ann Harding) concludes that  a well born woman who can’t paint, play music or write has only one career option: live through a man. Double Harness,  from 1933, follows her depressing logic. Eventually, she ensnares a young playboy played by Dick Powell who plays a shipping heir with an allergy to work.  How she traps him is a bit of a wonder, considering that she is duller than chalk and looks as though she’s been drained of blood.

Shortly after the nuptials, Powell announces that he prefers his freedom to marriage to Joan, who is by this time smitten and determined win him over. Meanwhile, her equally cold blooded sister borrows money from anyone who will keep her in “chiffon panties,” including a cad who puts a condition on it. Sample dialogue:

“$1000? I’ll let you have it.”
“Any strings?”
“Naturally.”

Double Harness was thought to be a “lost film.” After an hour and a half of watching women humiliating themselves and men acting like stooges, I wished it would have stayed lost.

In 1971, Muriel Spark wrote The Driver’s Seat, a slim marvel of a book examining the reasons why a disturbed young woman seeks to be murdered. In time, the film rights were sold to morons.

The film stars an aging Elizabeth Taylor in the lead role. Her portrayal suggests heavy sedation, with freak periods of screeching unreasonableness.  She is Lise, a nihilistic vaguely European woman looking for a “boyfriend” while on  vacation. Not so unusual, unless you consider that her idea of a boyfriend is a murderous psychopath.

The film retains the basic plot, but unlike the book, it leaves the viewer awash in lurid twists and sleaze.  It serves up realistic scenes of attempted rape with alarming regularity. Unlike the book, it presents these scenes with gritty realism. I wanted to shower after the first one.

In a scene not in the book, Lise is subjected to a cavity search by airline security, terrorists in the concourse and a cameo by Andy Warhol. Can you blame her for wanting to check out?

If this all weren’t bad enough, it features an annoying jazz piano score and has the affrontary of using some of Sparks’ original dialogue. Out of context of its jumpy, idiosyncratic universe it is rendered ridiculous.

The film clumsily juxtaposes scenes of the story in real time with scenes of people being interrogated about her murder. This is not a spoiler- it is spelled out that she will be killed early on. This has shock value in the book, but in this mess of a film, it’s just one more depressing detail.

This is not a film so bad that it’s good. It’s just bad. My advice? Don’t wait for the movie, see the book.