Thursday, August 30, 2007
Perfume: The Story of a Murderer runs a hellish 2+ hours. Two hours of watching a wan, skinny young man planning and executing women so he can capture their scent in a jar. I’m not kidding about this.
This 2006 direct-to-video project features Alan Rickman, who is completely wasted in a small role, and Dustin Hoffman wrestling with a dodgy Italian accent. The film has no suspense, but does treat us to long boring stretches of watching the lead actor peer uncharismatically into the camera. I didn’t read the book, but I have to think that it was better than this snooze fest. Avoid at all costs even if you like Alan Rickman as much as I do (a lot). This just isn’t worth it.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
The C.P.A. of the bird world, keeping to a prompt, tightly controlled schedule that is a marvel of efficiency. Its call is equally no-nonsense. Just a few twitters to get his point across. Cuckoo? I could think of no bird more sober or serious.
The countess begins to regret her part in summoning Reverend Trask. She tells Barnabas and Nathan about Trask’s shenanigans. They immediately begin to search for Vicky.
Trask tells the countess that he has tied Vicky to a tree to see if it dies. That, he proclaims, will prove her guilt. Angelique overhears and realizes that she’s stumbled upon a great scapegoat in Vicky. She makes sure that the tree dies.
Barnabas and Nathan rescue Vicky and hide her for the night. A futile effort, considering that Trask finds the dead tree. He proclaims that Vicky is a witch. Thunderous da da da dum music plays before the worried-sounding credits role.
The most visual of birds, the Auteur likes his nest to look like the atmospheric set of some obscure film. In fact, he is considered a bit of a pest because he needs so many of them. Worse yet, he is a control freak who loves nothing more than rearranging gardens to his own taste. Hope you weren’t to attached to those tulips.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
The Reverand Trask blows in, fresh from the school of outrageous overacting. He warms to the idea of interrogating Vicky. Nathan tries to warn her, but she naively believes that being innocent will count.
Trask bonds with the house fanatics, Abagail and the Countess. Barnabas vigorously defends her, but he is outnumbered.
Trask accuses Vicky of witchcraft. She denies it, and slaps Trask, kicking his portrayal into high gear. He fiendishly waggles his eyebrows as he binds and gags her for a little trip to the woods. He claims that he will exorcise the evil spirits from her body. Sure, that’s the reason.
The following psycho sexual bondage scene ends with Vicky being tied to a tree in the middle of the woods. Trask believes that if the tree dies by morning she is a…WITCH.
God help them. Without the refuge of a sideshow, they depend on you getting past their odd appearance to get a little birdseed. Instead of looking away, perhaps you would do well to look within.
Josette begs her father to stop the duel between Barnabas and Jerimiah. Angelique overhears and rushes to stop Barnabas, who remains unmoved. She gives him a protective pendant, a tad gaudy but full of protective juju.
Jerimiah and Barnabas chat. Recriminations and stilted dialogue ensue.
Angelique smears some witchy water onto Josette’s forehead prompting her to feel renewed love for Jerimiah. When Jerimiah is killed in the duel, she rants at Barnabas, proclaiming her love for her dead husband. Barnabas still loves Josette with all his heart. Chump.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
For most, seasonal allergies are a fleeting problem. Not so for The Ohio Sneezalot, whose migratory pattern keeps him square dab in the middle of blossoming ragweed. He doggedly follows the pattern when most birds would catch on and adapt, giving rise to the theory that this sturdy looking bird is a complete dolt.
Bewitched by a spell, Josette and Jerimiah elope, behaving like soppy teenagers. Josette awakens from the spell, befuddling Jerimiah with her lack of interest in amore.
Back at Collinwood, Joshua is persuaded to send for a witch hunter to investigate Vicky. Barnabas tries fruitlessly to stop him.
Josette and Jerimiah return to Collinwood and announce their marriage with mixed results - all of them bad. Patriarch Joshua gets the whimsical idea that they should move in with the rest of the family. The episode closes with Barnabas challenging Jerimiah to a duel, with gloves and the whole bit.
Staggering under a dark cloud of verbiage, the Cliche can barely lift his head some days. He gets by with handouts from students of writing workshops who find his plight moving, and write about it as a “moving plight.” He’d like to soar, but it’s all too much.
